It’s 8am on a Sunday, and I’m sitting here in my room that’s an icebox. I’ve got 4 blankets on me and a scarf around my neck. I should really get someone to come take the AC out of my window, but it’s just one of those things that feels like more of an annoyance than it’s worth. This has nothing to do with the blog post by the way, I just felt the need to share.

I’m back in the city after a wonderful Thanksgiving at home. The holidays are only a few weeks away, and it’s kind of crazy to think about where 2019 went. As I look back at the year, I start wondering if I hit my goals. Did I do what I said I wanted to do? Am I where I said I wanted to be?

In a lot of areas no, not entirely. But, I have I have made some progress in a 2 steps forward, 1 steps back kind of way. In past years, I might beat myself up for this; another year gone by without seemingly “accomplishing” everything I wanted to. As humans, we are so primed to look at our faults and where we’ve fallen short. But, this year I am choosing to recognize how much I’ve actually grown as a person and that realizing that true growth and change does not happen overnight. We forget that this is all just a journey and we are constantly evolving, which also includes de-evolving (self sabotaging/ taking one step back). Sometimes we need to make the same “mistakes” and choices more than once (and, honestly, maybe more than 2000X) to truly get it and to truly want to choose differently. And, in my personal opinion, to develop empathy and compassion, and to eventually be able to help others who may be going through the same thing.

I haven’t necessarily been successful in waking up and changing my life and breaking every singly “bad habit” I have and replacing it with all of the “good habits” in just one day. I’ve been more successful in slowly integrating new habits and crowding out old ones.

Ok, but, what does this actually look like?

It looks like saying I want to save money so I stick to a budget for a few days and am feeling really great and then, Oops! I ordered a 20 dollar salad on Seamless again because, honestly 4 toppings on a salad is a fucking joke. And, Oops again! It’s 2pm on a Monday and I’m so freaking tired and a $5 iced coffee sounds like just what I need. What’s that? Oat milk is $2 extra? Yeah, no, that’s fine!!

And then looking at my budget a few days later, and deciding to make food and coffee at home again and really asking myself if buying X,Y,Z is worth it before doing it until slowly, slowly, slowly, I don’t even think about spending money on certain things and the new habits and intentional spending just becomes a part of my life.

Maybe these changes happened over the course of a few months (or years), but hey, they happened, right? Change does not care about time and growth does not have an end date. We live in a society that looks for quick fixes and idealizes perfection and an all or nothing mentality. But, growth is still growth even when you stumble and fall and even when it feels like it’s taking forever and you wake up thinking, “How am I back here again?” Each and every time you think you’ve self-sabotaged or are back in the same spot, you’ve still learned something new and you are still growing. Beating yourself up is never going to create the change you’re hoping for.

Moving in to 2020, I have less of a desire to “hit goals,” and more to just live intentionally. To really incorporate living yoga off the mat into my life. To continue practicing moving slowly and being mindful in all areas of my life. To be compassionate with myself and others and to prioritize feeling good. To receive instead of achieve. I know that when I take care of me, and when I live with intention and mindfulness, everything else falls into place.

If you’re struggling with feeling stuck or wondering how the year went by and you’re “still in the same place” take a deep breath and really look at this past year. Look at all of the decisions you have made and all of the wonderful things that have happened. Even if physically you seem to be in the same place, I bet you’ve actually grown far more than you realize.