So many of us deal with stress, anxiety, overthinking, and therefore, a lack of trust in ourselves. It’s pervasively common in our society that it’s almost just taken as the norm. The thing is, consistently living in a state of fight or flight, being quick to anger, overthinking, and reacting as opposed to responding is not normal-it’s just accepted as normal.

We all have an inner voice, our intuition, which can come through clearly and give us direction and guide us in our lives, but when we’re not calm or centered, it can be very hard to hear this voice, and we may feel like we’re constantly living in a state of disorganization and fear.  

Maybe you find yourself having incessant thoughts about your relationships, about that last text you sent, about your body and your next diet, about your bank account, or about your job. Maybe you find yourself eating really quickly, like an unseen force has a hold over you making you grasp for food, for caffeine or for that next glass of wine. Maybe you’ve noticed that you easily snap at your loved ones or your coworkers, always feeling regrettably quick to anger. If any of this sounds familiar, first know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re likely dealing with an overactive nervous system.

And, here’s the thing to remember: you’re not anxious about something; you are anxious, period. What I mean by this is, when you’re anxious, your mind (the ego) will find anything to fixate on. Often times, it chooses something familiar-a repetitive pattern or issue or thing that you’re used to feel stressed about (See above. For most of us, it’s our relationship / dating life, our body, our job or our money). We’re used to fixating on these anxious thoughts and so we say, “Here it is again, my good old friend anxiety, worried about XYZ. Why do I keep thinking about this?” But, it really has nothing to do with that “thing.” We just are so worked up internally that we dissociate from our bodies and attach only to what’s going on in our minds, and we all it “anxiety.”

I spent years overthinking and doing most of these things. I was convinced that those things my mind worried about (my body, the money, the boy, etc.) were the issue. The thing is-there was never an issue “out there”. It had everything to do with me and what was going on internally. Until I consistently focused on relaxing my nervous system did this shift, because naturally, when we’re relaxed, our thoughts and actions will shift. Before making any external changes, it’s so important to relax your body, because when you are relaxed, 1 of 2 things will happen:

1. Your “problem” or fear will cease to be a problem or fear. You’ll realize you’re actually not worried about that work project at all-you were just reallllly fucking tired and needed a nap.

2. You will see the situation for what it is and the best next step to the so called “problem” will become very clear. From a place of peace, this next step will feel logical, attainable and doable.  

So, before you quit your job or buy another juice cleanse, and before you make any major life decision, first get in the practice of relaxing your body. And then, from that place, make the decision. Note: after doing this, you may come to the conclusion that you do in fact still want to do those things, but the decision will come from a place of truth and clarity.

So, this is all well and great, Bern, but how do you relax your nervous system? There are multiple ways, and below I will detail what works for me, but the most important thing is to first tune into yourself and your needs and start building self-awareness. Some days, for me, relaxing my nervous system means a really hard workout to get my energy out. Other days, I know that a workout is the last thing I need and that will only make things worse. It requires radical self-honesty, which will take time but get much easier with practice and awareness over time.

1. Emotional Release

Releasing emotions is always first and foremost. I used to think I “had anxiety”. The truth is, I have a mind that goes into overdrive when it’s trying to protect me from feeling sadness, anger and all of the repressed emotions I had deemed “bad” for so long. Through some amazing coaches and focusing specifically on feminine energetics (more on this in a later post), I was introduced to the practice of emotional release which has been incredibly healing and soothing for my nervous system.

When we’re anxious, we are often just scared of feeling emotions. We are scared to relax because then we might start crying or realize we’re feeling really scared or angry. So now, when my mind is spinning, I put on a playlist, I light some candles and let myself feel and cry. Or, maybe I’m really mad about something someone said, and I don’t even realize it or I haven’t expressed it properly, so I’ll scream into a pillow or into a towel. Yes, I’m serious. It’s wildly cathartic.

If, after releasing emotions, I am still feeling like I’m not relaxed, I’ll move on to the following.

2. Breathwork

I’m going to be honest, I hate breathwork, which, of course means, I need it the most and it’s one of the most powerful tools for me as it relates to my nervous system. Anytime you really resist doing something, it often means it will be the most effective thing for you. Fun, isn’t it?

Over the last 3 days I have heard the quote, “Fear is just excitement without breath” about 4 times, so of course I had to share it here. Do you know how many of us spend our days holding breath and tensing our bodies? Breathwork activates the vagus nerve, putting us in the parasympathetic state or rest and digest mode (opposite of fight or flight). Even just 10 minutes of breathwork can have a very powerful effect on the body. Breathwork has become way more mainstream so you can just search for some videos on YouTube or download apps like the Calm App or Glo App and find different types of breathwork tracks. For the most amazing effects, I’d recommend investing in a 60-minute session, either virtual or in person. I was blown away by how amazing I felt after my first 60-minute breathwork session.

3. Yoga

Very similar affects to breathwork but it also includes movement, and is one of my non negotiables + go tos. In my opinion, there is nothing better or more satisfying than a yoga high. The movements of yoga specifically aligned with breath activate the parasympathetic state. I have found even just a 15 or 20 minute class in between work meetings can be extremely effective in calming my mind and putting me in a different state.

4. Take a Bath

This is one of my favorites because of its effectiveness, ease and inexpensiveness. Look, if I could get a massage every single day, I would but right now that’s not in the cards or in the bank. And so, when I find myself feeling anxious, taking a 20-30 minute bubble bath with Epsom salts always does the trick. Light some candles, turn off the lights, and put on a soft playlist and breathe.

5. Turn off Your Screens

Living in front of a screen has become the norm for us humans but it is far from normal. Too many of us wake up, roll over and scroll Instagram, then go to the gym shuffling through Spotify, and then head off to work where we’re behind a computer for 8-10 hours, intermittently checking our phones for texts of course, only to “shut our minds down” watching some Netflix. We’re connected all day to others and to technology and then we wonder why we’re anxious. It’s kind of insane when you think about it, but at the same time, it would be completely unrealistic to never look at a screen again. That is, at least, if you want to be a somewhat normal member of society who can hold a job and have friends.

No, you don’t need to completely avoid technology, but start building awareness around how much time you’re spending on your phone and watching TV and maybe set some limits. You could play with taking a week off from Instagram and Tik Tok. Or commit to stop reading blogs from people you barely know.

6. Exercise

If you find yourself feeling anxious, then hard exercise is one to be careful with and where you need to be really in tune with your body and honest with what you need. There were years where I used exercise as a “healthy” outlet. And, in comparison to other potential outlets like overeating, over drinking or smoking, sure, it was. But, either way, I was still avoiding what was really going on with me. Now, when I’m feeling stressed or my nervous system is really amped up, I first sit down and take a few deep breaths. I relax my shoulders, release tension in my face and jaw and ask myself what I really need. I love exercising, and if my body clearly and truly has energy and wants to move, I allow that and head to the gym. But, if my nervous system is really messed up (which usually looks like me feeling really amped up while at the same time being overly tired) I know it’s not the time for hard exercise but more likely for a bubble bath, a slow yoga flow / deep breathing, or a nap.

7. Food as Nourishment

Similar to exercise, this is a really important one to tune in and ask yourself what you really need when it comes to food. If I’ve been fasting, I know there is a chance my blood sugar may have dropped which can naturally cause a more anxious feeling. Similarly, if I’m feeling anxious, I’ll ask myself how much caffeine I had that day, and if I had alcohol or sugar recently, as all heavily affect the nervous system. Many of us are so used to consuming / over consuming these things though that you may not even realize the affect it’s having on your emotional state.

Depending on what my food and drink intake has been recently, I know myself enough to know what steps I need to take to counteract the anxious feeling, and I do them without judgment. For me this usually looks like, drinking plenty of water, breathing deeply, and eating something with protein + fats. Note: I’m not a doctor or nutritionist, this is just what I have noticed about myself. It may or may not be true for you.  

8. Go for a Walk

As my coach Cora Poage will say, “your peace is only a block away.” Sometimes, when your thoughts are spinning and you’re sitting in your little apartment or bedroom and your mind just won’t turn off, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get outside and into nature, if possible. If greenery or water or nature is not possible for you, just get outside. Leave your phone behind OR put it on airplane mode and listen to calming music. Pay attention to what you see and hear. The trees, the cars, the annoyingly loud honks that are not helping you calm down or the guy screaming on the corner. Recognize the absurdity of it all.  We’re just these little humans on a very big planet with all of our problems and drama that we conjure up in our minds. It’s all kind of laughable, isn’t it?

One thing I like to do when I’m going for a walk and feeling a little psycho is to make eye contact and smile at each person I see while walking down the street while mentally sending them love. If you live in NYC, 50% of the people will think you’re really weird, but the other 50% will likely smile back and you’ll have brightened up their day a little bit!

9. Physical Touch

Physical touch is incredibly soothing to the body. Whether it’s getting a massage, cuddling or asking a random stranger to rub your leg, being touched activates our parasympathetic state. If you don’t have a partner or are not comfortable with the last suggestion, get in the habit of giving yourself a hug or self-soothing yourself through physical touch. We have gotten sooo disconnected from our own bodies that you might think this suggestion sounds weird, but isn’t it even weirder to not give our own selves our own love that we so desperately crave from another?

There are so many different tools and techniques you can use to help calm down your nervous system and get some reprieve from your looping thoughts or anxiety induced behaviors. If you’ve been finding yourself overly anxious recently, I hope you can use these tips and tools to bring a little more peace into your daily life.

With love,

Bern